Some Observations, Some Judgments

No end

2012-01-23T18:47:00.000-08:00

He kept asking himself. How many dark nights can there be?

Query

2011-12-11T17:12:00.000-08:00

Can one build a life build upon mistakes?

Suddenly awake

2011-11-09T17:47:00.000-08:00

"What's wrong? Are you ok?"
"Bad dream."
"What was it?"
"It was bad. It was a dream."

Surprise

2011-11-07T15:56:00.000-08:00

He thought that the field had been swept. He thought that the mines had been cleared. He took a step forward. He was wrong.

A Choice?

2011-10-22T19:15:00.000-07:00

Is it better to exist in ignorance, or suffer in knowledge?

Art Imitates Life...again

2011-10-14T19:21:00.000-07:00

"I saw him with a date. He look contented. My life is shattered. And he looked contented." -A Person of Interest

Rules of the Game

2011-09-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

"We'll do it your way. The price is too high for me if we don't."

Gamechanger

2011-09-19T18:23:00.001-07:00

He realized that all of the softness was gone. And it wasn't coming back.

TV

2011-09-10T15:09:00.000-07:00

"Revenge" will probably be my favorite new show this fall.

God bless the BBC

2011-09-05T21:19:00.000-07:00

There is nothing quite like the delicious thrill of viewing a new episode of Doctor Who. I am hopeful that this will continue until my timely demise.

Inebriation

2011-08-31T18:37:00.000-07:00

Alcohol obviously affects the brain, as do many other chemicals. One becomes intoxicated. The brain will have strange, weird thoughts. One will do strange, weird things. One can make bad moral choices, depending on one's morals. In the meantime, what does the soul do? Does it sit back and think "Christ, not this shit again"? Or is the soul wasted too? Can one have a drunken soul? Does the soul think "Fuck it. Who cares?" Maybe philosophers should investigate these deeper questions.

Entertainment

2011-08-27T15:42:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wonder if there are enough distractions to help me escape what is going on inside of my head.

My fault...again

2011-08-24T19:21:00.001-07:00

It's one of those evenings where one wants to hold a golf club aloft in the storm and pray for lightning.

Business as usual

2011-08-24T18:28:00.000-07:00

I take the blows. I take the cheap shots. I don't respond. That may be a mistake. I don't know any other way to live.

Kindred spirit

2011-08-24T16:07:00.000-07:00

"I'm going to drink his blood," he said. "I'm going to chew up his heart and spit it into the gutter for the dogs to raise a leg at. I'm going to peel the skin off him and rip out his veins and hang him with them." He sat in the chair, his fists clenching and unclenching, his eyes glaring at her. He snatched up the coffee cup and hurled it. It caromed off the refrigerator and shattered on the edge of the sink, then sprayed onto the floor. -The Hunter by Richard Stark

The day after

2011-08-11T20:02:00.000-07:00

"What's wrong?"
"I'm a little hung over."
"Why? What happened?"
"Nothing special. It was just a bad evening."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it. I have lots of bad evenings."

Next scene

2011-08-05T19:44:00.000-07:00

"I don't understand you."
"I'm mildly sorry about that. On the other hand, the inside of my mind is not a pretty place. You shouldn't go there."

Now I get it

2011-08-01T14:25:00.000-07:00

Pity to those who suffer the self righteousness of those whose take masochistic pleasure in self denial and proclaim it as the joy of simplicity. Like it makes a fucking difference once you're dead.

The road taken

2011-07-31T17:27:00.000-07:00

I've always gone a long, long way to avoid hurting anyone. Maybe I've gone too far.

Concerning religion

2011-07-22T06:20:00.001-07:00

I have no idea and you don't either.

Today and tomorrow

2011-07-20T19:27:00.000-07:00

Empty house. Empty heart.

Art Imitates Life

2011-07-10T13:24:00.000-07:00

"I want you to feel grief. To feel rage. Like I do." - Being Human

Life

2011-06-30T19:11:00.001-07:00

I don't think of it as my luck having run out. I like to think of it as my stupidity having taken me really far.

Carnal knowledge

2011-06-26T16:18:00.000-07:00

Carnal knowledge. He has carnal knowledge of her. He knows. He has...carnal...knowledge...of her.

Art Imitates Life

2011-05-21T16:34:00.000-07:00

"He's still living his life. He's still happy. It's not fair." -AMC's The Killing

FYI

2011-05-09T18:02:00.000-07:00

Pictures DO lie.

2011-05-08T12:12:00.000-07:00

Hey hey my my

2011-05-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the pain exceeds my limits.
I immerse the tattered bits of me in music.
I recover till the next time.

Payback

2011-04-30T11:37:00.000-07:00

Vengeance was an incredibly powerful drug.
"Tell me. Have you ever heard yourself scream?"

Until death

2010-12-29T18:54:00.000-08:00

He thought. The slime will never pay for what he had done. He thought, I will never be whole again. I will die this way.

2010-11-12T13:13:00.000-08:00

Alone at home, her thoughts sometimes turned. And it was why? Why from a friend?

He sat on the other side of the world. It was not why? It was a deep craving. A craving to hear him beg for the pain to stop. To put down the hammer, covered with the blood and flesh from broken fingers. To stop the shocks of electricity burning his skin and sending numbness through him

Into battle

2010-11-11T17:37:00.000-08:00

She used words as weapons and her head was full of blunt instruments.

Aw crap, what's the point...

2010-10-29T14:07:00.000-07:00

Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell said “The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president.” He didn't say improve the healthcare system, create jobs, reduce the deficit, repair our crumbling infrastructure, manage the permanent war (let's be realistic) on terror, increase support for education and research (while not just throwing money at them) or anything remotely statesmanlike. Electing a Congress of nothing but Democrats would be a disaster, but Republicans, and their retarded cousins, the Tea Party, truly trigger my gag reflex. Quit whining, America. Quit complaining in broad meaningless terms. You're starting to sound like those bobbleheads on Fox. Go to your congressperson's website. Find out what they are doing. Tell them what you like and what you don't like. Be specific. It'll take you twenty minutes.

Snippet

2010-10-28T18:19:00.000-07:00

"You know what I think?"
"What? You mean that this last half hour has been someone else's opinion?"

Thought for the day

2010-10-27T13:44:00.000-07:00

Capitalism does not have a conscience.

Life

2010-10-21T18:43:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it is all fiction, but alas, I am a reader.

Recurring

2010-10-04T18:58:00.000-07:00

Always, always thrust into the room. Day after day with the lights blazing. Always the scene replaying with photorealistic intensity. And still the bills must be paid. And always the job must be done. Everything else a joke of importance. And never an end in sight.

Curioser and curioser

2010-10-03T16:02:00.000-07:00

Why do I receive all of these cryptic comments from China? I do not understand any of them. They should spend their time doing something productive, like watching episodes of "House".

Hey Shorty

2010-08-26T15:26:00.000-07:00

Shorts below, often well below the knees, are a sadistic joke that tall men have conspired to perpetrate against short men. I look in the mirror and think "People won't believe that I really have any legs. Just a couple of inches of ankle."

Free time

2010-07-13T18:15:00.000-07:00

The job was okay, but he hated the unfocused minutes in the car. His thoughts, left undirected, headed back to November. His heart would beat in uneven rhythms. His breathing became chaotic. Hell came to his doorstep again.

The absence of light

2010-05-28T18:38:00.000-07:00

There is so much darkness, he thought. Darkness that extended beyond a normal frame of reference. He had to protect her. The darkness was not for her. The darkness was for him. The darkness was where it would end. The darkness was where the world would be made right. And time did not matter.

Games

2010-05-22T15:47:00.000-07:00

So Congress is considering passing some sort of bill that will provide appropriate regulation over the financial industry. The problem will continue to be that the regulators are playing checkers and the financial industry is playing chess.

On the bright side

2010-05-17T17:13:00.000-07:00

He looked around at his life and thought, "This is what the surface of Venus must be like. In the daytime."

Tit for Tat

2010-05-08T11:08:00.001-07:00

There should be more to a relationship than trying to make sure that the balance of emotional pain is doled out in equal amounts.

Purgatorio

2010-04-02T07:42:00.000-07:00

He found himself thinking, I am in the room with them. I am always in the room with them. I can never leave the room.

Dialing down

2010-03-26T08:26:00.000-07:00

"Please don't need me too much. Please don't need me too much." The sentence spoken at least a half dozen times. Rapidly. In an anxiety stricken voice. Face buried. Body folded. And he thought, what does it mean? And what could possibly be the yardstick?

Westward ha

2010-03-09T11:20:00.000-08:00

I'm flying to Arizona this weekend. Later in the week, I'm flying to Burbank. Then I'm flying back to Arizona. On the weekend, I fly home. I hate to fly. Every noise is a harbinger of disaster. I can vividly imagine the wings shearing off, the cabin coming apart, me being flung about the plane while uselessly buckled into my seat. I hear the screams and I see the ground spinning impossibly fast toward me.
If I was allowed to fly the plane, I know that I would feel much safer. Especially after a pitcher of bloody Marys, extra spicy.

Pyrrhic victory

2010-02-18T09:51:00.000-08:00

She had a talent for emotional cruelty. He apparently had a talent for enduring it. Now she was contemplating leaving. The coup de grace.

And through the wire

2010-02-10T08:58:00.000-08:00

He couldn't imagine what it must be like to hear that voice. The voice that said those things. The voice that pretends that nothing happened. And to see inside her head the face that was speaking. To see the smirk of complete possession and conquest. And he couldn't imagine what it was like to live in abject silence.

Another goal missed

2010-02-04T11:55:00.000-08:00

I regret that at this late stage, I never managed to master the wry grin.

Merry-go-round

2010-02-04T11:44:00.000-08:00

She's exploring the relationship in her head. She thought that he was a flirtatious friend on the computer that really liked her. Then she met him. Then he used her. And now her mind struggles with the mental construct of who she believed him to be and what he was that night. And what is he now? She cannot resolve the conflict, but continues to try.
He understands in the abstract sense, but avoids that hallway.

Her preferred scenario

2010-02-02T07:39:00.000-08:00

What happened to her?
I don't know, he replied.
Who did this to her?
I don't know, he replied.
When did it happen?
I don't know, he replied.
Where did it happen?
I don't know, he replied.
Why did it happen?
I don't know, he replied.
Who is she talking to about this?
I don't know, he replied.
What did she tell you?
Nothing.

Autism

2010-02-02T07:12:00.000-08:00

He feels everything slipping away. The isolation grows and grows. He influences little. More and more strangers reach into their life and affect how their life together will, or will not, continue. There is nothing that he does that does not seem to cause damage. He has become the source of comforting hugs and not much more. Not even a human being, just a large warm pillow.

Another visit to yet another planet

2010-02-01T06:11:00.000-08:00

"Why did he punish me? I behaved." I behaved? Does that mean that she was a good girl because she didn't say "no"? Because she didn't protest? Because she did exactly what she was told to do; she performed as she was told? Because she reassured him that size didn't matter? She spoke as if submissively behaving was worthy of something. A reward? He had never even believed that it was a conscious choice. Christ, he thought, where had reality gone? Why couldn't she understand that it had nothing to do with punishing her and everything to do with the fact that he enjoyed humiliating a woman? That he was a sick, sick son of a bitch? And dear god, why had she said that to him?

No respite

2010-01-29T10:58:00.000-08:00

Again, the degree of control declines. It is dressed in the finery of "for his own good". He thinks of the picture and knows "Yes, he saw this too. And obviously, he enjoyed it because he returns again and again to the scene of his pleasure. To the spasm of physical delight". But it's for his own good, right? Everyone else knows what he needs, but few care about he wants.

Still not good enough

2010-01-28T11:01:00.000-08:00

He was chagrined to offer what he knew to be platitudes and creaking support that could bear little weight. He tried to be a rock, but was little more than sand. And always there was the conflict, the tearing of his mind, the gap between her and him, but not him. Contact was searing. He thought of retribution, of payment to be extracted, of a lifelong price. He thought that she thought of contradictions. He couldn't understand what had been scum-like behavior in another, was now, misunderstanding.

Time passages

2010-01-26T05:55:00.000-08:00

What was the meaning of forgetting? No, forgetting is the wrong word. What would it mean when he thought less and less often of the events? Would this diminish their significance? Either way, what would this say about him? Where would the events fit (a truly repellent thought) into his life? And why, why, why did it happen?

Illusion

2010-01-21T12:10:00.000-08:00

He thinks that he's doing all right. He thinks that the worst has passed. Then there is the explosion of reality in his head of exactly what happened. And all the "I'm sorry's" in the world can dance on the head of a pin for what they are worth. And he cannot drink fast enough. Unconsciousness cannot come soon enough. And there is no price for the pain.

2010-01-20T10:28:00.000-08:00

The chili was in the slow cooker. It was marginally based on a recipe; the taste was palatable. He began to cry. It was daily event. The alcohol was an enabler, but not a requirement.

Just my luck

2010-01-18T12:00:00.000-08:00

Life swung an aluminum baseball bat at the back of my head. If there were really a just god, or any god at all, I wouldn't have regained consciousness.

Depravity

2010-01-18T05:41:00.000-08:00

She was there at ground zero. Blinded by an enveloping flash of malevolence. Stunned by an obscene shockwave. So she didn't see. She couldn't know. The scope of the blast radius.

Consequences

2010-01-15T12:31:00.000-08:00

Life is short. So if you really f**k up, it lasts till you die.

You have to ask

2010-01-13T14:13:00.000-08:00

She does not call. She appears. She has come home. She does not immediately hug. She does not immediately kiss. She does not recognize these things as part of the natural order. They are not a part of her needs. They haven't been so for many years. They must be requested if they are to occur.

Why

2010-01-13T12:24:00.000-08:00

Just because there are no answers, that does no stop one from screaming out the questions to a silent, indifferent world.

Some peace

2010-01-13T10:57:00.000-08:00

He thought why won't they let me just grieve the loss? Why did they expect so much from him?

Telling you was the worst mistake I ever made

2010-01-13T09:20:00.000-08:00

"Telling you was the worst mistake I ever made." The words were drenched in resentment and bitterness.
"My life has gotten worse because of you. It's worse than what happened because you won't let me get past it. You stick in my face everyday. Everyday I have to look at the expression on your face as if you're the victim. I dread when you show up to pick me up. I told you that I felt relief when you knew. I don't feel that way anymore. This is not about sharing the burden. This is about you. But not everything is about you. It didn't happen to you."
Was it possible to be tasered by words? The worst mistake? They had crossed over into that alternative world that only they could sometimes inhabit, where the conventions and logic always escaped him.
She later said that it was frustration, not anger. But that was not true. When he became frustated, his voice rose a little. He became animated. There was an expression of incredulousness in the sound. But hers was not frustration. There was acid in her voice. There were three years of resentment festering, burrowed deep inside her. She was disgusted by the way that he was behaving and wanted to escape him.

I'm sorry

2010-01-12T12:06:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
I couldn't know.
I couldn't forsee.
My heart shredded.
Everything I knew torn apart as if made of paper.
A life burned beyond recognition.
And I don't have the ability to be what I need to be.
For myself and others.

And he smiles. And he laughs. And walks through a life untouched. He doesn't hold ashes in his hands. He takes the greatest intimacies and thrusts them into his pockets as if he now owns them. He laughs again and walks down the street while pictures of his control dance through his head.

Outrage

2010-01-12T09:48:00.000-08:00

To put it softly, he was perplexed. He was the only one consumed. The only one burning with rage. It is as if he were the only one who knew what had happened. And justice was left to him, and him alone. But for now, he decided to watch an episode of Heroes and dream of power that he did not have. And he wondered if it were possible to be intoxicated every waking hour. That would be good. But he also thought that a lifetime was long time to pay for a sin that you didn't commit.

Imaginary Scenario No. 1

2010-01-11T10:51:00.000-08:00

He stopped forcing the kiss upon her. He told what he wanted her to do.
She said, "No."
There was a quizzical look upon his face.
"No, I'm not going to do that. I'm married and my husband knows that I'm here."
That was lie, but she was fairly certain that the lie would work.
"I'm not going to do that. You can threaten me, but I'd rather be hit in the face than do that. And if you hit me, I will press charges. You are not my friend. You have lied and deceived me. I need to leave."
There was a look of disgust on his dark face as he said, "Get out."
She didn't care and left.

Another mistake

2010-01-09T12:51:00.000-08:00

I have always been concerned that my stupidity knew no bounds. Perhaps it is more likely that my stupidity knows the bounds, but chooses to ignore them.

Facade

2010-01-08T09:37:00.000-08:00

She regularly said that she shouldn't have told him. That she wished that she hadn't told him. In moments of clarity, she must have known that that was not possible. The burden for her would have been too great. There would have been too many times that it would have been impossible to explain her reactions or behavior. Perhaps it is more likely that she wished that it were only possible for her not to have told him. For him, it was a question of the nature of their relationship. Silence, then continued silence, would have created a facade. A relationship based upon deception.

Odyssey

2010-01-06T12:36:00.000-08:00

His mind's eye. Creating images of the unknown and those things known so well. Combined in a perversion of reality. Were that his mind's eye were Polyphemus. And some mysterious, merciful Ulysses thrust the fire-hardened stick deep into him. And he were blind forever.

Conversation

2010-01-06T11:03:00.000-08:00

In that moment how did she speak? How did she converse in what should be a living nightmare? Even one single response. What brain function allows speech but not flight? How did she respond while being pressed into the molten lava of hell? Soft words, but no screams?

Not here

2010-01-05T16:41:00.000-08:00

Feeling invisible tonight
Or maybe just transparent
And hoping that no one walks thru me

Light cannot find me
Darkness isn't needed to hide me
And soon I'll cease to be

2010-01-05T11:46:00.000-08:00

He got lost in the movies, in the fiction, in the make-believe worlds. It wasn't his best idea, but it kept the thoughts and visions on the fringe. They were poised like hyenas waiting to feast. He wandered temporarily healed.

Violence and facts

2010-01-04T16:17:00.000-08:00

She spoke of his violence. Did she believe that he was violent? What was her purpose in bringing it up? Did she really believe that he was capable of hurting her? Was she comparing him to him? She said that she was just stating a fact, as if all facts needed to be stated. As if the pain caused by the voicing of a "fact" was inconsequential.

"You tell me what to do," she said. Another comparison. Another "fact".

Apologia

2010-01-04T12:58:00.000-08:00

He knew that he had promised some people that he would stop drinking. He knew that he had to apologize. "Sorry, hell is bigger than me."

January 4

2010-01-04T12:42:00.000-08:00

There are times now when I am more alive than I want to be.

Failure

2010-01-04T10:43:00.000-08:00

Why didn't he slap god's face? Why didn't he move galaxies? Why didn't he rearrange the stars?
Why wasn't he there to protect her from the evil that men do? Why did he fail her?

Resolutions, i.e., things to resolve

2010-01-01T09:55:00.000-08:00

Hang on to the love of my life
Find a job that won't slowly or quickly destroy me
Go camping and forget the rest of the world
Continue to write pithy, cogent observations that no one reads
Learn to live with the depressing effects of greatly reduced expectations
Conjure a cat that appears when I need the companionship
Watch more movies that I want to, alone, if necessary
Embrace hedonism, guilt-free
Provide emotional support to family and make fewer mistakes in doing so
Drink less, but more effectively
Get my wedding ring resized or replaced
Lose weight or become anorexic, whichever works
Buy a guitar and learn to play the guitar solo from The Dream Syndicate's Merrittville
Stop expecting the Bears and Bulls to win and just enjoy the game
Visit my brother Tom, even if I have to use a Segway
Publicly announce that no one knows what I'm feeling, so everyone should shut the hell up
Get a new front loading washing machine
Cry less, but more effectively

2010 redux

2009-12-30T13:59:00.000-08:00

New Year's Day, 2010. A simple reminder that hell has come to my door step and doesn't intend to leave.

What then

2009-12-30T10:05:00.000-08:00

What if he could only cope when she was with him? What if the demon only came when he was alone? How could he fight and survive this?

What if they could not understand each other? What if their thoughts and feelings could not be rendered visible and audible? Could they withstand not understanding?

2010

2009-12-30T07:24:00.000-08:00

When the ball drops at midnight, I'll probably be underneath it.

Subhuman

2009-12-28T11:26:00.000-08:00

He remembered, as a kid, hearing about men who got in bar fights. Men who literally stomped the other man to death. He hadn't been able to understand how one human could do that to another. But now he understood. He also understood how that experience of crushing the life out of another man who was really no more than an insect could be a source of satisfying pleasure. He looked forward to that moment.

Return to form

2009-12-23T09:00:00.000-08:00

He was very pleased at the taste of a bloody Mary at 11:30am. He was also pleased in his role as an incipient alcoholic. It was a family tradition that had skipped a generation. It was clear that he came from a long line of quiet desperation. It was time to restore a family tradition.

Fragility

2009-12-22T11:59:00.000-08:00

His vulnerability was a repellant. She felt her throat close and began to gag. What had she seen in him? He had the strength of a piece of balsa wood and it repelled her. Where could she go now? Upon whom could she lean now? Could she make it alone?

Anger

2009-12-22T11:07:00.000-08:00

Her anger came roaring down upon him like an avalanche. Sweeping away everything. Scraping downward to the rocky surface of his soul. Leaving little, if anything, alive.

Time

2009-12-21T11:44:00.000-08:00

Some of the images in his head began to be come animated. They came to life. He felt his mind twisting and writhing in agony. If he could have time, time would stop the pain. But he didn't know if he had enough time. He didn't know if he had any time at all.

Further glimpses

2009-12-19T09:49:00.000-08:00

He called her beautiful and she thought that that was just what lovers do. But he had come to realize that by beautiful, he was actually describing the immeasurable degree of pleasure that he felt when he looked at her.

Glimpses

2009-12-18T11:50:00.000-08:00

He saw her as if in a film montage, that technique so overused and mocked. Yet, it was her. Series after series, moment after moment of the best of their life together. And she was always beautiful. And she was always smiling.

No prisoners

2009-12-17T10:24:00.001-08:00

For some, anger justifies the choice of weapons.

Pity party

2009-12-17T10:12:00.000-08:00

He was struggling for balance. How many times a day was it normal to cry? Was he normal? Did the number follow some sort of curve? And how to avoid those searing words ("Oh, god, you're not gonna cry again, are you? But then again, it's always about you, isn't it?")? It was made more difficult by the fact that he no longer knew who or what he was.

Release valve

2009-12-15T09:41:00.000-08:00

He wondered if Tourette's syndrome could be artificailly induced. What would it be like to have the freedom to say whatever came into your mind?

Gratitude

2009-12-15T07:04:00.000-08:00

He thought of the expression "it could have been worse". What does that mean? Should one be grateful that you were punched in the face five times rather than six? That the damage left no visible scars? GRATEFUL TO WHOM?

Permanent state

2009-12-14T05:26:00.000-08:00

When something happens beyond all your reference points, when you are dropped into a world so alien that your perceptions are useless, you cannot be angry. You cannot judge. You stand uncomprehending, bewildered.

The door to oblivion

2009-12-13T16:16:00.000-08:00

Alcohol and rock 'n roll. The balm for all emotional pain.

V at 3

2009-12-12T01:53:00.001-08:00

Drinking vodka at three in the afternoon
has that special cache
Of a heart too wounded to care
lacerated beyond repair
And the comfort of her voice was gone

But the alcohol fueled the engine of his mind
and he sped toward an undefined horizon

Just someone to talk to

2009-12-11T12:18:00.000-08:00

And she turns to strangers
Because she feels that I cannot understand
It's not enough to be human
And it's too much to be a man

One by one, without any fuss

2009-12-11T11:25:00.000-08:00

How does a life become a supernova of pain?

Circle

2009-12-08T17:01:00.000-08:00

He wanted to say to her that he was not a good person. And something inside of him wanted her to say that he was. And he knew that to want this was not a good thing. He wanted to tell her that. And so the cycle spins.