2010 redux

New Year's Day, 2010. A simple reminder that hell has come to my door step and doesn't intend to leave.

What then

What if he could only cope when she was with him? What if the demon only came when he was alone? How could he fight and survive this?

What if they could not understand each other? What if their thoughts and feelings could not be rendered visible and audible? Could they withstand not understanding?

2010

When the ball drops at midnight, I'll probably be underneath it.

Subhuman

He remembered, as a kid, hearing about men who got in bar fights. Men who literally stomped the other man to death. He hadn't been able to understand how one human could do that to another. But now he understood. He also understood how that experience of crushing the life out of another man who was really no more than an insect could be a source of satisfying pleasure. He looked forward to that moment.

Return to form

He was very pleased at the taste of a bloody Mary at 11:30am. He was also pleased in his role as an incipient alcoholic. It was a family tradition that had skipped a generation. It was clear that he came from a long line of quiet desperation. It was time to restore a family tradition.

Fragility

His vulnerability was a repellant. She felt her throat close and began to gag. What had she seen in him? He had the strength of a piece of balsa wood and it repelled her. Where could she go now? Upon whom could she lean now? Could she make it alone?

Anger

Her anger came roaring down upon him like an avalanche. Sweeping away everything. Scraping downward to the rocky surface of his soul. Leaving little, if anything, alive.

Time

Some of the images in his head began to be come animated. They came to life. He felt his mind twisting and writhing in agony. If he could have time, time would stop the pain. But he didn't know if he had enough time. He didn't know if he had any time at all.

Further glimpses

He called her beautiful and she thought that that was just what lovers do. But he had come to realize that by beautiful, he was actually describing the immeasurable degree of pleasure that he felt when he looked at her.

Glimpses

He saw her as if in a film montage, that technique so overused and mocked. Yet, it was her. Series after series, moment after moment of the best of their life together. And she was always beautiful. And she was always smiling.

No prisoners

For some, anger justifies the choice of weapons.

Pity party

He was struggling for balance. How many times a day was it normal to cry? Was he normal? Did the number follow some sort of curve? And how to avoid those searing words ("Oh, god, you're not gonna cry again, are you? But then again, it's always about you, isn't it?")? It was made more difficult by the fact that he no longer knew who or what he was.

Release valve

He wondered if Tourette's syndrome could be artificailly induced. What would it be like to have the freedom to say whatever came into your mind?

Gratitude

He thought of the expression "it could have been worse". What does that mean? Should one be grateful that you were punched in the face five times rather than six? That the damage left no visible scars? GRATEFUL TO WHOM?

Permanent state

When something happens beyond all your reference points, when you are dropped into a world so alien that your perceptions are useless, you cannot be angry. You cannot judge. You stand uncomprehending, bewildered.

The door to oblivion

Alcohol and rock 'n roll. The balm for all emotional pain.

V at 3

Drinking vodka at three in the afternoon
has that special cache
Of a heart too wounded to care
lacerated beyond repair
And the comfort of her voice was gone

But the alcohol fueled the engine of his mind
and he sped toward an undefined horizon

Just someone to talk to

And she turns to strangers
Because she feels that I cannot understand
It's not enough to be human
And it's too much to be a man

One by one, without any fuss

How does a life become a supernova of pain?

Circle

He wanted to say to her that he was not a good person. And something inside of him wanted her to say that he was. And he knew that to want this was not a good thing. He wanted to tell her that. And so the cycle spins.

I'm sorry

He felt the fatigue set in. He felt the responses to the apologies began to waver. And he began to tire in the apologies. Not because he did not feel them . Not because he did not want to give them. But because it was clear that she did not believe them and did not want to hear them. They had become empty air to her.

Impossible questions

There are impossible questions. There are impossible questions that cannot be formed. Impossible questions may have answers, but we cannot know them. They are beyond our reach.

Lottery

A winning lottery ticket is God's way of saying "Sorry about all this mess".

God Happy

Ben Franklin said that beer was proof that God wanted us to be happy. I am certain that God (rest His Soul) wanted me to be really, really, really happy.

Vulnerable

There is no gift of love that cannot be destroyed by an act of violence.