2010 redux

New Year's Day, 2010. A simple reminder that hell has come to my door step and doesn't intend to leave.

What then

What if he could only cope when she was with him? What if the demon only came when he was alone? How could he fight and survive this?

What if they could not understand each other? What if their thoughts and feelings could not be rendered visible and audible? Could they withstand not understanding?

2010

When the ball drops at midnight, I'll probably be underneath it.

Subhuman

He remembered, as a kid, hearing about men who got in bar fights. Men who literally stomped the other man to death. He hadn't been able to understand how one human could do that to another. But now he understood. He also understood how that experience of crushing the life out of another man who was really no more than an insect could be a source of satisfying pleasure. He looked forward to that moment.

Return to form

He was very pleased at the taste of a bloody Mary at 11:30am. He was also pleased in his role as an incipient alcoholic. It was a family tradition that had skipped a generation. It was clear that he came from a long line of quiet desperation. It was time to restore a family tradition.

Fragility

His vulnerability was a repellant. She felt her throat close and began to gag. What had she seen in him? He had the strength of a piece of balsa wood and it repelled her. Where could she go now? Upon whom could she lean now? Could she make it alone?

Anger

Her anger came roaring down upon him like an avalanche. Sweeping away everything. Scraping downward to the rocky surface of his soul. Leaving little, if anything, alive.

Time

Some of the images in his head began to be come animated. They came to life. He felt his mind twisting and writhing in agony. If he could have time, time would stop the pain. But he didn't know if he had enough time. He didn't know if he had any time at all.

Further glimpses

He called her beautiful and she thought that that was just what lovers do. But he had come to realize that by beautiful, he was actually describing the immeasurable degree of pleasure that he felt when he looked at her.

Glimpses

He saw her as if in a film montage, that technique so overused and mocked. Yet, it was her. Series after series, moment after moment of the best of their life together. And she was always beautiful. And she was always smiling.

No prisoners

For some, anger justifies the choice of weapons.

Pity party

He was struggling for balance. How many times a day was it normal to cry? Was he normal? Did the number follow some sort of curve? And how to avoid those searing words ("Oh, god, you're not gonna cry again, are you? But then again, it's always about you, isn't it?")? It was made more difficult by the fact that he no longer knew who or what he was.

Release valve

He wondered if Tourette's syndrome could be artificailly induced. What would it be like to have the freedom to say whatever came into your mind?

Gratitude

He thought of the expression "it could have been worse". What does that mean? Should one be grateful that you were punched in the face five times rather than six? That the damage left no visible scars? GRATEFUL TO WHOM?

Permanent state

When something happens beyond all your reference points, when you are dropped into a world so alien that your perceptions are useless, you cannot be angry. You cannot judge. You stand uncomprehending, bewildered.

The door to oblivion

Alcohol and rock 'n roll. The balm for all emotional pain.

V at 3

Drinking vodka at three in the afternoon
has that special cache
Of a heart too wounded to care
lacerated beyond repair
And the comfort of her voice was gone

But the alcohol fueled the engine of his mind
and he sped toward an undefined horizon

Just someone to talk to

And she turns to strangers
Because she feels that I cannot understand
It's not enough to be human
And it's too much to be a man

One by one, without any fuss

How does a life become a supernova of pain?

Circle

He wanted to say to her that he was not a good person. And something inside of him wanted her to say that he was. And he knew that to want this was not a good thing. He wanted to tell her that. And so the cycle spins.

I'm sorry

He felt the fatigue set in. He felt the responses to the apologies began to waver. And he began to tire in the apologies. Not because he did not feel them . Not because he did not want to give them. But because it was clear that she did not believe them and did not want to hear them. They had become empty air to her.

Impossible questions

There are impossible questions. There are impossible questions that cannot be formed. Impossible questions may have answers, but we cannot know them. They are beyond our reach.

Lottery

A winning lottery ticket is God's way of saying "Sorry about all this mess".

God Happy

Ben Franklin said that beer was proof that God wanted us to be happy. I am certain that God (rest His Soul) wanted me to be really, really, really happy.

Vulnerable

There is no gift of love that cannot be destroyed by an act of violence.

Justice

Before he left the house, he erased the small file of special pictures of her. They were no longer just his.

He stood in the hotel hallway. He could feel the fury building and he felt no doubt. He ran at the door and the adrenaline sent power to his leg that shattered the lock. He entered the room. She sat there naked on the bed. The man, naked also, lay on the the bed. They looked at him with shock.

"I've come to get my wife," he said. Which wasn't true. He had come to kill the man.

Monsieur Soleil

I was supposed to meet Mr. Sunshine once, but my alarm didn't go off. It's just as well. His suface temperature of 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit killed everyone within a 25 million mile radius.

A Measure of things

"Worst" is, at best, a theoretical concept.

Yeah it's bad

The conventional wisdom of the ages tells us that time heals all. What it doesn't tell you is that time slows down during the process.

Empty

He said, "It's not your fault. You were manipulated."
"You manipulate me," she replied with the diamond hard certainty of her answer.
"Just hold my hand for a moment and we'll go."
"Are you manipulating me now? Is this blackmail? We won't move until I do what you tell me?" Her voice had gotten louder, more bitter. It expanded as the days of her anger had grown with each passing year. He noticed that her wedding ring was gone. Another line crossed. Another boundary that had disappeared.

He had always thought of himself as the shining white knight in her life. Or at least the swashbuckling pirate. She seemed to prefer the idea of the pirate.

He realized that he was only a hollow man shuffling down a street to nowhere. Alone.

Fragments of a song

How could it have happened?
As the pain persists
He has to keep on looking
For reasons that don't exist

It can only end badly
But it's an obsession he can't resist
He'll always be looking
For reasons that don't exist

Maybe a loaded pistol
Or a running jump off a cliff
And still he'll be looking
For reasons that don't exist

Looking forward to tomorrow

There is no pain so great that it cannot be exceeded.

Glenn Beck

I could carve a better man out of a banana.

Swine

I read in the papers, an antique form of information transmission, that almost 50 per cent of Michigan residents are opting not to get the H1N1 vaccination shot. I suspect that they are all creationists and/or members of the Flat Earth Society.

Michael Jackson dead

Michael Jackson is dead. And as is often the case, the response says infinitely more about the people who are responding than it does about Michael Jackson. Many pop culture events mark the timeline of our lives. Especially pop music. It is a curious phenomenon to me that many people have a clearly delineated period in which they actively listened to music. And they are forever trapped in that time period. Thus, baby boomers worship 60's and 70's music. Michael Jackson the entertainer is a pop cultural signpost for Gen X. But Michael Jackson the person is undefined, except for those who imagined him in a preferred image. For the rest of us? Was he dysfunctional? What sort of person builds statues of themselves? Was he a child molester? A sad, pathetic case of arrested development? Or just a very talented pop singer?

Tats

-Dude, how come you don't have any tats?
-Do I look like a f*****g piece of canvas?

Popeye's Louisiana Kitchen

For the sake of appearances, shouldn't Popeye's offer spinach-flavored chicken?

Face recognition

Does face recognition software really exist? Or is there a facility somewhere with a thousand people staring at monitors and suddenly someone says "Hey, I know that guy!"

April

The old man stood along side the river. I have wrongly asked that others live my dreams for me, he thought. They could not. And now I have no dreams left.

Soulful thoughts

What does my soul do while I'm sleeping? Does my soul require sleep?

How much of a physical brain is needed to have a soul? Can anacephalic people have a soul?

Nota bene

There is a difference between reasons and excuses. You should learn it.

Wishes

I always wish for more happiness for everyone and more money for me. I'm fairly certain that I can buy happiness.

Overheard

-You mind if I ask you a question?

-No, go ahead

-What’s with the Fortress of Solitude?

-Uh, what do you mean?

-Well, it’s not very practical, is it? I mean it’s made of crystals. There’s no comfortable place to sit. There’s no place to put your stuff, no shelves, no closets. Where do you eat? Where’s the bathroom?

-You realize that it’s based on an alien civilization. It’s alien. Things are gonna be different.

-Different? It looks like a cheap movie set.

-Okay, okay! It’s crap! I know it. You don’t think that I’d like a decent couch? Maybe a couple of pictures on a vertical wall? You have no idea what it’s like to have the voice of your dead father echoing through your house every goddam night! It sucks! Okay?

(Ends conversation with heat vision)

Major Mistakes in My Life

#134 - Buying my son an Xbox console.

#135 - Not taking a goddam hammer and destroying my son's Xbox console.