No respite

Again, the degree of control declines. It is dressed in the finery of "for his own good". He thinks of the picture and knows "Yes, he saw this too. And obviously, he enjoyed it because he returns again and again to the scene of his pleasure. To the spasm of physical delight". But it's for his own good, right? Everyone else knows what he needs, but few care about he wants.

Still not good enough

He was chagrined to offer what he knew to be platitudes and creaking support that could bear little weight. He tried to be a rock, but was little more than sand. And always there was the conflict, the tearing of his mind, the gap between her and him, but not him. Contact was searing. He thought of retribution, of payment to be extracted, of a lifelong price. He thought that she thought of contradictions. He couldn't understand what had been scum-like behavior in another, was now, misunderstanding.

Time passages

What was the meaning of forgetting? No, forgetting is the wrong word. What would it mean when he thought less and less often of the events? Would this diminish their significance? Either way, what would this say about him? Where would the events fit (a truly repellent thought) into his life? And why, why, why did it happen?

Illusion

He thinks that he's doing all right. He thinks that the worst has passed. Then there is the explosion of reality in his head of exactly what happened. And all the "I'm sorry's" in the world can dance on the head of a pin for what they are worth. And he cannot drink fast enough. Unconsciousness cannot come soon enough. And there is no price for the pain.

The chili was in the slow cooker. It was marginally based on a recipe; the taste was palatable. He began to cry. It was daily event. The alcohol was an enabler, but not a requirement.

Just my luck

Life swung an aluminum baseball bat at the back of my head. If there were really a just god, or any god at all, I wouldn't have regained consciousness.

Depravity

She was there at ground zero. Blinded by an enveloping flash of malevolence. Stunned by an obscene shockwave. So she didn't see. She couldn't know. The scope of the blast radius.

Consequences

Life is short. So if you really f**k up, it lasts till you die.

You have to ask

She does not call. She appears. She has come home. She does not immediately hug. She does not immediately kiss. She does not recognize these things as part of the natural order. They are not a part of her needs. They haven't been so for many years. They must be requested if they are to occur.

Why

Just because there are no answers, that does no stop one from screaming out the questions to a silent, indifferent world.

Some peace

He thought why won't they let me just grieve the loss? Why did they expect so much from him?

Telling you was the worst mistake I ever made

"Telling you was the worst mistake I ever made." The words were drenched in resentment and bitterness.
"My life has gotten worse because of you. It's worse than what happened because you won't let me get past it. You stick in my face everyday. Everyday I have to look at the expression on your face as if you're the victim. I dread when you show up to pick me up. I told you that I felt relief when you knew. I don't feel that way anymore. This is not about sharing the burden. This is about you. But not everything is about you. It didn't happen to you."
Was it possible to be tasered by words? The worst mistake? They had crossed over into that alternative world that only they could sometimes inhabit, where the conventions and logic always escaped him.
She later said that it was frustration, not anger. But that was not true. When he became frustated, his voice rose a little. He became animated. There was an expression of incredulousness in the sound. But hers was not frustration. There was acid in her voice. There were three years of resentment festering, burrowed deep inside her. She was disgusted by the way that he was behaving and wanted to escape him.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
I couldn't know.
I couldn't forsee.
My heart shredded.
Everything I knew torn apart as if made of paper.
A life burned beyond recognition.
And I don't have the ability to be what I need to be.
For myself and others.

And he smiles. And he laughs. And walks through a life untouched. He doesn't hold ashes in his hands. He takes the greatest intimacies and thrusts them into his pockets as if he now owns them. He laughs again and walks down the street while pictures of his control dance through his head.

Outrage

To put it softly, he was perplexed. He was the only one consumed. The only one burning with rage. It is as if he were the only one who knew what had happened. And justice was left to him, and him alone. But for now, he decided to watch an episode of Heroes and dream of power that he did not have. And he wondered if it were possible to be intoxicated every waking hour. That would be good. But he also thought that a lifetime was long time to pay for a sin that you didn't commit.

Imaginary Scenario No. 1

He stopped forcing the kiss upon her. He told what he wanted her to do.
She said, "No."
There was a quizzical look upon his face.
"No, I'm not going to do that. I'm married and my husband knows that I'm here."
That was lie, but she was fairly certain that the lie would work.
"I'm not going to do that. You can threaten me, but I'd rather be hit in the face than do that. And if you hit me, I will press charges. You are not my friend. You have lied and deceived me. I need to leave."
There was a look of disgust on his dark face as he said, "Get out."
She didn't care and left.

Another mistake

I have always been concerned that my stupidity knew no bounds. Perhaps it is more likely that my stupidity knows the bounds, but chooses to ignore them.

Facade

She regularly said that she shouldn't have told him. That she wished that she hadn't told him. In moments of clarity, she must have known that that was not possible. The burden for her would have been too great. There would have been too many times that it would have been impossible to explain her reactions or behavior. Perhaps it is more likely that she wished that it were only possible for her not to have told him. For him, it was a question of the nature of their relationship. Silence, then continued silence, would have created a facade. A relationship based upon deception.

Odyssey

His mind's eye. Creating images of the unknown and those things known so well. Combined in a perversion of reality. Were that his mind's eye were Polyphemus. And some mysterious, merciful Ulysses thrust the fire-hardened stick deep into him. And he were blind forever.

Conversation

In that moment how did she speak? How did she converse in what should be a living nightmare? Even one single response. What brain function allows speech but not flight? How did she respond while being pressed into the molten lava of hell? Soft words, but no screams?

Not here

Feeling invisible tonight
Or maybe just transparent
And hoping that no one walks thru me

Light cannot find me
Darkness isn't needed to hide me
And soon I'll cease to be

He got lost in the movies, in the fiction, in the make-believe worlds. It wasn't his best idea, but it kept the thoughts and visions on the fringe. They were poised like hyenas waiting to feast. He wandered temporarily healed.

Violence and facts

She spoke of his violence. Did she believe that he was violent? What was her purpose in bringing it up? Did she really believe that he was capable of hurting her? Was she comparing him to him? She said that she was just stating a fact, as if all facts needed to be stated. As if the pain caused by the voicing of a "fact" was inconsequential.

"You tell me what to do," she said. Another comparison. Another "fact".

Apologia

He knew that he had promised some people that he would stop drinking. He knew that he had to apologize. "Sorry, hell is bigger than me."

January 4

There are times now when I am more alive than I want to be.

Failure

Why didn't he slap god's face? Why didn't he move galaxies? Why didn't he rearrange the stars?
Why wasn't he there to protect her from the evil that men do? Why did he fail her?

Resolutions, i.e., things to resolve

• Hang on to the love of my life
• Find a job that won't slowly or quickly destroy me
• Go camping and forget the rest of the world
• Continue to write pithy, cogent observations that no one reads
• Learn to live with the depressing effects of greatly reduced expectations
• Conjure a cat that appears when I need the companionship
• Watch more movies that I want to, alone, if necessary
• Embrace hedonism, guilt-free
• Provide emotional support to family and make fewer mistakes in doing so
• Drink less, but more effectively
• Get my wedding ring resized or replaced
• Lose weight or become anorexic, whichever works
• Buy a guitar and learn to play the guitar solo from The Dream Syndicate's Merrittville
• Stop expecting the Bears and Bulls to win and just enjoy the game
• Visit my brother Tom, even if I have to use a Segway
• Publicly announce that no one knows what I'm feeling, so everyone should shut the hell up
• Get a new front loading washing machine
• Cry less, but more effectively